Thinking about ending my life

Dear Pastor,

I turned 18 in September and it has been a bittersweet experience for me. All my life I have been going through difficult times even though I am not even 20.

I am fighting a silent battle and only God knows what I am going through. God always gives His soldiers the hardest fight. I know you are wondering what could a young girl like me be going through, and that is what most people may think. But I am being honest with you, nobody knows what is really happening to me. My problem began in this house where I live. These people claim to be Christians but they are toxic and their children are the bitter seeds. I can only vouch for my mother and aunt; they are the only good seeds from the bunch, and because of that, I hate the rest of them. Recently I have come to realise that I am slowly losing myself in this bitterness that has built up in me over the years. Sometimes I think about just ending my life. I am at the breaking point of everything, but I don't want my mother or siblings and aunt to feel the pain of my death.

Growing up, my mother always had her fair share of hardship and if it wasn't for my aunt, who stood by her side, I don't know what would have happened to her. When my mother needed someone to stand by her, her own mother abandoned her and she disgraced her every chance she got. Her mother was under the influence of other relatives and they contemplated throwing her out on the street; I was a baby at that time. Her wicked mother threw a flour bag in her face and told her to pack her things and leave. I cannot tell why my mother didn't leave at that time. Her own siblings decided to fight my mother with her young baby and my aunt had to get involved and do what she does best.

When I was around seven years old, my mom called my father and asked him for help and that serpent man refused to help my mother. Thank God my mother got married and left the house. She is overseas now. I am still at this place that is cursed. I feel anger inside of me. My grandmother is very ungodly. I hate this house. I resent my father. I hate my grandparents. I am searching for a job that will help me to detach myself from this place. If I am not careful, I will end up in Bellevue or something worse will happen to me.

I have to do well and I know the day will come when I will succeed and get peace of mind.

A.R.

Dear A.R.,

I want to assure you of my prayers and I want to beg you not to do anything to end your life.

You are indeed going through a rough time, but so did your mother and now the good Lord has delivered her. God gave her a good man and she got married and is now living abroad. I would like to know that you passed all your exams, attended college, graduated and lived a life of happiness.

Your father has not assisted you, but he may look back and regret what he has done to you. I want you to take time every day to read your Bible, pray, and go to church. There are many good people around, so associate yourself with them. I am glad that you have written to me. Whenever you feel depressed, feel free to call me. I will take the time to talk to you. In the mean time, I will link you up with some young people in your age group who are genuine Christians.

You are 18 years old; don't give up. Don't entertain the thought of suicide. Again I say to you, you will succeed in life, just trust the Lord. Read Psalm 23 every day and pray.

Pastor