Can’t stop thinking about this married man

Dear Pastor,

I am 20 and I am having a problem. I am a Christian, but I have had sex with two different men.

The first man I had sex with was 40. He told me he was not getting along well with his wife and he was planning to leave her. One day, this man visited and asked the lady I was boarding with for me, but he lied and told her he was my uncle. I was in the back washing. So the lady called me and said my uncle was there to see me. I hurried outside believing that it was one of my uncles, but then I recognised that it was the man. So I told him to come on in. I introduced this man to the lady as my uncle. She told him that I was a good girl. Then we went about our business.

He questioned me a lot then told me that he loved me and I could call on him at any time for help. I called this man one day and told him that I needed some help. I wanted to repay a $21,000 loan. He said he would bring it for me. He arrived about the middle of the day. I was wearing shorts, and he said I looked sexy. He also brought me some food, so we ate and he handed me the money. I told him thanks. He said he knew that I was trying him out to see if he was a helpful man. I hugged him and kissed him. I must confess that I did not expect him to give me the full amount of money.

By the time I hugged and kissed him, I realised that he had an erection and I pulled away. He asked me why and I told him because he was being rude. He said he wasn’t rude, he was just turned on by the way I looked. We started to play with each other. He pleaded with me to have sex. I told him I was a virgin. He said that he never had sex with a virgin, so it would be a good experience for him.

To cut a long story short, I thought about the money that he gave me and the promises that he made that I could call him at any time. He said he had protection. He started to turn me on. He took off my shorts and my underwear and went down on me. I was so wet. I felt helpless and we had sex. I did not bleed as much as I thought I would although we had sexual intercourse for about 15 minutes. That was my first sexual experience. I cannot forget it. We had sex a few more times and then he told me that someone who knew him told his wife that she saw him at my place, so he would have to stop seeing me. That is how that relationship ended.

My present boyfriend is 24, and we are getting along very well. I love him, but I am writing to you to ask if you believe that I can get help because although the relationship with this man who took my virginity has ended, I find myself fantasising about him. I don’t fantasise about my boyfriend. I used to hear women talk about men who go down on them, but I had the experience that I will never forget. I go to bed, and I can’t sleep, and I send this man a text just to let him know that I am thinking of him. I know it is not right to fantasise about this man as I have a boyfriend.

My boyfriend wants to marry me. I have not told him yes because I am wondering whether the love that I have for this married man will ever die. Please give me your advice.

K.

Dear K.,

Young people who are in love fantasise a lot about sex, especially when their sexually active friends tell them how enjoyable sex is.

Even people who never had sexual intercourse but are hoping to be married fantasise about sex. They wonder whether they will be able to cope on their wedding night. You were tricked by a married man. Evidently, when it comes to sex, he was a pro. Even now that the relationship has ended, and you have a new boyfriend, you find yourself fantasising about your first lover. You know what he did to you that has caused his memory to remain with you. It seems to me that you will have to read your Bible and pray more. It is natural for a person to fantasise if that person is looking forward to getting married.

From what you have written, you would love to have this man back in your life, and that is very bad. So pray, pray, and pray, and ask God to help you to overcome this man.

Pastor

“I go to bed, and I can’t sleep, and I send this man a text just to let him know that I am thinking of him.”